Current Project: Leg Shaving Leads to Trouble
Status: Replotting bits
Elisabeth is on her way to Reno for a fabulous Super Bowl weekend away. I'm so jealous! I'm filling in for her today.
We've all probably heard it - romance writers must have incredible bedroom experiences. We all know how true that is or isn't for ourselves. I'm not trying to make this a steamy post and discussion. But related to that, what I want to talk about, is how writing and reading romance has negatively impacted our relationships. If at all.
As most of you know, I'm divorced. I'm not dating anyone, not really trying to. But that doesn't mean I never think about it. However, I feel like reading huge numbers of romances has negatively impacted my expectations of a future relationship a bit. Let me preface this by saying I know most of this isn't logical, but that doesn't mean I don't wish it could happen!
Here's what goes on in my crazy brain. I don't know if I believe in soul mates or true love (I know, I know, that's blasphemy for a romance writers). But I fully expect that there will be an instant sizzle and undeniable connection with the man of my dreams. A part of me always waits for that feeling when I meet new guys. Never happens quite that way.
I also expect my dream guy to make me feel comfortable to fully be myself. I won't be as shy, or quiet or timid. I'll feel comfortable arguing back, being sassy, what have you. Will that really happen? Doubtful. I am who I am. But that doesn't mean I don't expect it!
On some level, well likely because I read too many vampire books, I expect my guy to only have eyes for me. The thought of straying would be beyond appalling and just not conceivable. Whereas, I believe for most men, they may think about it or wonder about it, but are good enough men to never consider acting on it. I guess that means I need a vampire whose soul is connected to mine for his salvation?
So, has reading or writing romance altered your view on relationships? Has it helped? Hurt in any way? Do you find yourself rewriting your significant others' dialogue to better match what you'd write (and expect of them)?
11 comments:
Way to go, Lisa. Interesting blog.
My situation is different from yours in that I met my dh when I was sixteen and he was twenty-five. We married a year later. To say I had no expectations of what love meant is a vast understatement.
So, I didn't expect anything except this -- he would adore me and I would adore him. We would have fun. We would build a life together and be each other's best friends. When rocky times came, he would watch my back just as I would watch his. We would share parenting and try not to argue in front of the kids. He would tolerate me being snotty and immature and in return, I would live up to the motto of my generation and follow him anywhere. (The bonus of him following me was nice, too.)
And that's what happened. So when I started writing romances, I already knew what a real man looked like in my eyes and the heroes of my books never stray too far from this ideal. As the heroes in the books I am drawn too are usually involved in life and death and always watch out for their true love, I'm pretty safe there, too.
So, I do not think what you want is unattainable. I don't think any of the qualities you mentioned -- instant sizzle (that can last forever), freedom to be who you are without fear of retribution (why would you ever want to be married if you did not have this?), faithfulness and devotion (duh) -- are unreasonable. I, personally, would not compromise on any of them.
As I see it, reading romance hasn't made you a believer in unrealistic expectations -- to the contrary, it's helped you recognize the qualities you admire and desire!
V-v-v-v-ery interesting!
I know my daughter's at first were reluctant to read my books because, "They didn't want to know what Dad and I did."
Newlyweds that they were, I sat them down and said, "I write fiction. It is all my fantasy nothing your dad has ever or probably will ever do." They both read and enjoy my books now.
I read the old Gothic romances before I met my husband and had dated very little. So I can't say that a romance influenced how I envisioned the first "connection" to be. I met him in an under 21 club. I was 19. A coworker dragged me there. She was 17. All the boys there looked about 15/16. I felt like a Mrs. Robinson! LOL In walked a man- in my eyes. He was tall, broad shoulders, had a visual stubble on his cheeks. Finally someone my age! I have never in my life been bold, but I walked up to him and asked him to dance. His buddies didn't show and he sat at the booth with my friend and I. She had to go home, she had a small boy and could only afford a couple hours of babysitting. My dh offered to take me home. He had a flat black, 57 International pickup. He had to enter through the passenger side because the door latch didn't work on the driver's side. It smelled like cow poop because he was working at a feedlot.
There wasn't a zing, and when he tried to cop a feel, I sent him packing. Totally expected to never see him again, and low and behold he was back at my door a few days later. It was my morals that brought him back.
Within a month of spending time together, we were talking marriage. He didn't ask me we just fell into when this and when that and now 30 years later we're still together. And today- yes, he gives me a zing with a certain look or endearment.
And does writing romance help or hinder my romantic feelings. I believe it enhances them.
Don't worry Lisa, your prince charming is coming. And it will be when you least expect it!s
Lisa, I forgot to mention what a cute title that is!!!
Alice, I love your story! That's wonderful :) Definitely a happiness to be hoped for. I like how you said it: "helped recognize the qualities I admire and desire." I think I will think of it that way, thanks! ;)
As for the title, it comes from the thing girls sometimes do. Not shaving their legs as a way to ensure they won't engage in any naughtiness. If you don't shave, you don't want a guy near your legs. Well, my heroine shaved...and that led to trouble! :)
Paty, HAHAHA! Oh, that's funny! Aww I love your story too! It seems that romance writers have some of the best stories about them and their husbands. Maybe it somehow influences an attraction to romantic fiction. Who knows. That's such a sweet story!
Thank you both for sharing! There is definitely hope out there for those who haven't found Prince Charming :)
Lisa, I totally know where you are coming from. Romances set very high standards for men. Poor real guys! Everyone wants that sizzle and devotion from the hunky guy who desires no other woman but her.
Real men are clueless. Dirty laundry on the floor, gross dishes left everywhere, and the unflattering sounds and smells they emit. "This man is my soul mate?" Yep. No wonder women escape in romances.
Paty, your story is wonderful.
Ah, Lisa! The advice from a woman (me) who has made stooooopid choices in men: love yourself enough to not ever settle for less than you want. My experience has been that no relationship is much better than a lousy one.
I've read romances since my early twenties. Reading romances didn't hurt my relationships, but I should have had the courage to heed their message and not pursue relationships that were less than what I wanted. Just my two cents! :)
Sorry! The comment from "Rogue's Angels" was me. I was doing a test blog for Rogue's Angels last night and blogger kept me signed in as they blog. Never make assumptions! Hopefully this comment will have me signed in as Genene.
When I was in my late teens and early twenties, it was a shock to find out that there were so few Knights In Shining Armor or guys like my Dad out there. Boy, that really hurt my feelings!
Later on, I got over it and was able to simply enjoy a good romance novel for what it was, an awesome escape, while throwing any bad fish I caught BACK into the lake. If you know what I mean.
Another interesting post, Lisa!
Confession time: I sometimes feel that I must be Romance-impaired (and I do mean romance with a capital R). I mostly read SF, Fantasy and Mystery as a kid, and still do as a matter of fact. I read a smattering of Romance single titles in my twenties and it's only been the last few years that I've added Romance as a staple to my bookshelves. I've never believed in the notion of "true love" and the idea of "soul mates" usually annoys me to no end. The thing is, there are a lot of fish in the sea, so to speak, and it's proximity that dictates who we'll meet. It'd be a pretty stupid universe if there was only one person you could find true happiness with and he/she happened to live on the other side of the world from you.
So what do I believe in? I believe in love -- in being in love and in loving/being loved in return -- and I believe in attraction, passion and lust. I don't believe I need any of those things, or a relationship for that matter, to "complete me"; I'm a whole person on my own, thank you very much. But I do believe my life is richer with them than without.
I think there generally has to be enough of an attraction, physical or mental, when you first meet someone to make you curious for more (relationship, friendship, whatever). It's that attraction, that pull, that giddy feeling in the pit of your stomach, that makes you wonder if something special might be happening.
As for me? Well, Lisa, you're not the only one with divorce on your balance sheet. I'd been divorced for 8 years when I met my husband and I certainly wasn't looking for a permanent relationship. Been there, done that, got the early release. It took him five years and three marriage proposals (the last one the only really serious one) before I said yes, and then it was two years before we actually got married. All told, we've been together 20 years now.
That serious proposal of his? He asked me to marry him on the promenade deck of a cruise ship while we were anchored off the island of Martinique. A full moon, a bottle of champagne, and a diamond engagement ring completed the setting. I think I'm lucky that while I might be Romance-impaired, my husband definitely isn't.
Just getting the most recent comments, sorry for the late reply! I don't have internet when I visit my parents on the weekends.
Kendra, HAHAHAHAHA!! Unflattering sounds and smells they emit, that's great! :)
Genene, those are wise words. Thank you! I hope to live by that advice.
Stephe, throwing bad fish back to the lake! I love it! Hah! I understand what you mean about a good escape, the novels can often seem too good to be true. But lovely to think about, nonetheless :)
Debbie, what a story! The serious proposal sounds very romantic. I consider myself to be rather romance impaired too. I have difficulty thinking of romantic things, moments, occasions. I'll admit, on my first wedding anniversary it completed slipped my mind to get my ex-dh a gift! I'm still smacking myself in the forehead for that one.
I like what you said about being whole without a man. That's how I feel right now. Most men I meet, I think "eh, I'd rather watch TV by myself than hang out with him." Or, "I have too much going on and the thought of making time for him stresses me out." So I guess that's a huge sign those men don't interest me enough, eh?
Thank you all for your honest and insightful comments! I really do appreciate it.
I love this blog. Thanks for the great topic (and for filling in for me.)
It's fun hearing how different we all are, isn't it? And what our experiences are? Mine are completely different as well...
I met my DH freshman year of college, two weeks after school started. I'd just broken off with my high school boyfriend and was looking for...nothing. Seriously, just wanted to be single and have fun. I was at COLLEGE! And then in walked DH. He was in my ballroom dancing class. And though I didn't read romance then, I have to admit, there was total zing and that instant attraction. We were both walking out of class one day and he was in front of me and for some reason I just started talking about something that had happened in class...talking to no one inparticular, really, just the people around me...and he turned around, looked at me, and did one of those "zero in" things. He ended up walking me across the quad to get coffee, and I (knowing he was an upper classman, feeling weird about the zing and knowing I had no money in my pocket) told him I wasn't thirsty at all. I didn't want him to buy me anything, and part of me was a little concerned he saw, "Freshman! Easy mark!". Then he asked if I'd wait for him, and like a dork I did...outside the building, heart pounding the entire time. But we ended up sitting out on the steps of the M.U. talking for about an hour, had this amazing connection and things went from there to where we are now...married 17 yrs with three kids.
I always loved romantic movies, but didn't read romance until after we were married, so I can't say that impacted my choice. But I agree with the others that there are certain things you should NEVER cave on, esp. if they're important to you. And Lisa, your list is IMPORTANT, so don't cave. My DH is a real guy's guy. He's snarky and tells suggestive jokes, and anyone who's read my book knows I have my hubby to thank for my heroes being real guy-guy's. But my guy is also very romantic - not in the cards and flowers way (though sometimes) but in the, "he would do anything for me and our family" way that makes him a true hero in my book. He has always been my biggest advocate as far as my writing career goes, and he never once let me say, "if I sell", but always corrected it to, "when you sell." (BTW...now he's doing the same thing with lists....as in, "not if you hit the NYT list, but WHEN you do." It's very sweet.)
I tend to be a realist. I know marriage (real marriage) is hard work, and it's a give and take. I'm not as romantic as some of the characters in romances I've read, and neither is my husband. However, the really important stuff - loyalty, enduring love, sizzle (oh yeah, it lasts), creativity, and the ability to still laugh with someone after 17 yrs...THAT's the stuff I think is important. Not if he put rose petals on my bed or brought me a candy heart on Valentine's day.
One thing I will point out that I'm not sure anyone else has mentioned...as for romance novels now, I'd say I am probably more romantic since I started writing than I was before, and that's been something I think my DH likes. I think he also enjoys reading my books to see what *I* think is romantic, as I'm not very good at voicing my wants out loud to him. It's something I do try to work on in our marriage. Would I rewrite his dialogue for him? No way. Because, as you well know, Lisa, he gives me lots of snarky stuff to write about. LOL And for that I'm always thankful.
Fun post!!!
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