Current Project: Edits of novellaStatus: Sidetracked by remodeling projects!
Jennifer Crusie wrote an entertaining article some time ago called, “Green Is Not Your Color: Professional Jealousy and the Professional Writer.” It contained a humorous quiz to determine if you needed the "mirror treatment" also described in the article. You can find a copy of the article and quiz at
Something else she said that I found interesting is, "The one thing that I have noticed about all the successful people I know is that their circle of friends gets smaller and smaller as they become more and more successful because the number of people they can trust to be truly happy for them dwindles with each triumph."
Ouch! So if you've been on the receiving end of someone else's jealousy, consider yourself successful. The times I've been faced with the obvious jealousy of others have left me stunned and trying to assimilate that someone was actually cruel and rude enough to give voice to their spite. In both the subtle and overt cases I've experienced, it has been women who have voiced their jealousy. Is that because men don't bother with this type of emotional sniping? That they would just rather beat the stuffing out of each other and then go have a beer?
Whatever the reason, being on the receiving end of jealousy can hurt if you don't have that thick skin that writers are many times admonished to develop. Of course, these type of comments can also sort out who you want to keep as friends and who to remove from your life. These experiences can also teach valuable lessons.
Artist Janis Zroback, offers this opinion, "Mild jealousy and covetousness are actually a route to improved capabilities...The pressure can be channeled to new skills that take artists to a higher level..."
I like this idea of using less-than-desirable emotions to recognize where I can grow personally and become better at the career I've chosen.
I'll wrap up with one other quote. In M.J. Rose's Buzz, Balls & Hype blog
How about you? Have you ever felt jealous of a fellow writer? Or have you been on the receiving of jealousy? What did you learn from the experience?
22 comments:
I don't know if I've been jealous so much as envious. But I like Janis Zorback's comment and I tend to use that envy to push myself to work harder and put out a better book. I'm happy for friends/writers who are selling multiple books/getting agents, but at the same time- I want it too.
As for being on the receiving end of jealousy- LOL I don't think so. There is nothing in my life writing or otherwise to be jealous of!
Like Paty, I've never felt jealousy, but definitely envy. I have a group of online friends I hang out with daily, and we're all at different stages of our careers. One of them was submitting to agents around the same time I was, be she got hers first, her book sold at auction within 2 weeks of going out on submission, and it will be released on April 1, almost one year to the day of getting her agent. And she has a publicist, she has a contract for the sequel, she's a young mom, and she's a beautiful Asian woman. I mean, this author is pretty darn close to perfect. How could I not envy the success of someone like this? But she's the sweetest, kindest, most supportive person I've ever known and I love her to pieces. I'm happy for her. And I'm one of those people who believe the success of those you're close to has a tendency to rub off. We're always teasing her that we want to rub her head for good luck. 8^)
I think of life as a journey. Every person's journey is different. To covet someone else's journey compromises your own. You may need a million steps to get between points A and B, someone else may need only one. The number of steps is immaterial. Taking them is what counts, arriving is what matters.
I honestly feel this way. I have a dear friend who is not a writer who has a long standing marriage just as I do. It's been an incredibly rocky road for her to get to this day with her marriage intact. She's made huge mistakes that could have easily derailed her (actually, then she would have embarked about a different journey!) The point is we are both now standing at the same age with a long term partner in a loving relationship. My journey to this point was relatively fluid, few dramas, few heartaches. Hers was torture. But she got here, and that is the point.
No spontaneous emotional feeling is "wrong." It's what we do with them that counts, just as Paty and Karen said.
And Genene, I love your blogs. You are a terrible tease! You mention very interesting situations but you are so unerringly polite! I want to know how someone showed you they felt jealous. I don't think anyone has ever felt that about me and now I'm -- OMG, I'm jealous!
Interesting post, Genene! I can honestly say I haven't felt jealous of the triumphs of others -- sometimes a bit of wistful envy, though. And, like Paty, I try to use that envy as inspiration to push myself that much further on my own journey.
I know this is a competitive business. What business isn't? The thing is, the next book published isn't going to be the last book published, if you get my drift. Publishing success for others translates, for me, as possibilties for the future. I'm honestly happy for others when they're published (and have other successes), because they're reaping the rewards of their own hard work. And I get jazzed at the tangible evidence that if I continue to work at improving my writing, that I'll have the same opportunities for success when I'm ready.
Hope that wasn't too confusing. I'm having a hard time articulating what I mean by this and I'm not sure why.
What a sticky topic, Genene. And it's one I've thought about discussing many times but haven't.
I have been on both ends of this and it's no fun. Years ago, when a crit partner of mine landed her agent, I was green with jealousy, but also so, so happy for her. I wanted what she had. I wasn't mean jealous, but I will admit that I was probably "curious" jealous. I wanted to know what she was going through, and I probably pushed a little too much. I teased her that she was going to drop me as a CP now that she had an agent. There was a bit of truth (and worry) in that teasing, but also a lot of side-poking in fun. She didn't take it that way, however, and looking back I can see that was sort of the start to the deterioration of both our critiquing and personal relationship. Incidentally, last month I emailed her about this very topic and apologized for anything I said or did that might have hurt her. I feel that strongly about this topic.
The reason I feel so strongly is that since selling I've been on the other side of this topic (a few times), and let me tell you, it's no fun at all. One particularly nasty instance happened a few months ago and came from a big (well known) author. I didn't talk about it, but the entire situation cut me to the quick. It all happened the same time my hubby was having back surgery and it was one of those things that really knocked me off balance. So much so I really didn't want my book to release. Now, months later, I see it for what it was - an author who, for whatever reason, felt threatened by me and my book. (Which, totally floors me, but there it is.) I'm sure it was a combo of things, but I know now it was one person's opinion and nothing I can change. But that episode has really made me leery of not only unpublished authors and the jealousy surrounding what someone has that you want, but other published authors in this biz, and how cutthroat it really is out there. I understand now why an author's circle of trusted friends shrinks as they sell or climb the success ladder. And I understand why authors tend to be leary of new writers who come up to them at conferences or email them, etc. It's really too bad that the world is like this. It really is.
A few years ago I remember listening to Allison Brennan, and she said, "No matter what you achieve, there will always be something that someone else has that you want." That's true of you and me, and it's also true of NYT Bestselling authors. I try to remind myself of that whenever a situation gets particularly sticky. You can either dwell on it and let it ruin you, or you can get over it and be motivated to work harder. I tend to gravitate to the latter.
Great post! Eli - thanks for sharing such a heartfelt comment. :)
I've definitely felt envy. (I'll admit, I had to google the precise difference of the two words haha!) But it doesn't last because I follow that feeling up with a mental slap of, "you wouldn't need to be envious if you spent some more time writing and pursuing a career in it. It's your own fault." And that sobers me up quickly :)
Hey, Paty! I too was very interested in Janis Zroback's suggestion to use the accomplishments of others as motivation to improve our own skills. Just keep getting better and better and better. In fact, I think I'll drop the word "jealousy" from my vocabulary and substitute "motivation." How's that for a positive spin?
And I think you have lots of accomplishments to use as motivation for others. You have many ideas for wonderful books. You're focused and write quickly. You've stretched way out of your comfort zone in doing promotion... that's just a start! You're doing great things!
And just to let everyone know--the electrician is here today and sometimes the electricity to my house is shut off. So if I don't respond to comments right away, I ask your apologies ahead of time. Today and tomorrow will probably both be like that. And I see the electrician just got back from lunch, so I'll probably have to sign off very soon.
Hi, Karen! I want to rub your friend's head too! How very awesome to be able to feel so good about someone else's success!
Hi, Alice!
A tease, huh? Well, the electricity should go out about now ...
Kidding!
Actually, the jealousy directed at me was bizarre. I'm not even sure jealousy is the right word.
However, here's the scoop on the incidents that stunned me the most. I started working for the state of Oregon when I was seventeen. So by the time I was forty-nine, I had put in my thirty-plus years and was eligible to retire. It was also about that time that the stock market was up and down, lawsuits were pending that could (and did) change retirement payouts. In other words, it was a good time to retire if you could. And I did.
However, there were other people who could not. They either hadn't put in their time or were not in a personal situation where they felt they could retire. But there were three people who directed their anger at me and made very ugly comments about me "getting" to retire and they didn't. Yeah, this was definitely their issue and not mine. But one person I considered a friend--not a close friend, but I thought we had a good working relationship--so that one was particularly jaw-dropping.
The other incidents have been in my graphics business, but these were more subtle, which is where my paranoia comment comes in.
Guess I need to stop with the leading hooks or deliver the goods, huh?
Sorry, Alice! I'm responding in bits and pieces in case the electricity goes off unexpectedly. :)
I am totally in agreement with you about each person having their own journey, and that it's what we do with our emotions that count.
Isn't it interesting that people can take totally different paths and come to the same place, as you and your friend did with your marriages?
Hi, Deborah!
I love this: "Publishing success for others translates, for me, as possibilties for the future."
Your explanation made perfect sense to me. Kind of like others are showing us one of the many paths we can take for our own journey. And along the way there will be many interesting side roads. :)
I wrestle with the green-eyed monster a lot. I read Jennifer C's article some time ago, and it really helped place it in perspective for me. Now, I try to analyze the emotion. "Why am I having trouble being unconditionally happy for this person?" "What parts of myself does this reveal that I don't want to face?" And then, I try to face it, and deal with it rather than let it fester.
I've also found that it helps to figure out what you CAN be happy about. I.e. Friend is going on a 3 week all-expenses paid cruise. Maybe you can't be completely not jealous yet, but you can help her with shopping. When you help, you get good karma and it relieves those negative feelings until you get to the place where you ARE happy for them. There's also something to "fake it till you make it." This works a lot for me when I see that someone I went to school with just made partner in a law firm or some such thing. I just ACT unconditionally happy, and eventually, I come back to the place where I really am, because I've reminded myself that that's not my path in life yada yada yada.
Yesterday was a hard don't-be-jealous day for me. I didn't realize until afterwards how much I really wanted GH this year, and I don't know any of the finalists personally (I find it's easier to be not jealous in the global sense if you have someone for whom you can get excited for). I *am* envious but not in the vicious choice C way of the quiz. Instead, I've rather quickly come to a place of deciding that not finaling was actually the best thing that could have happened to me right now b/c now I'm willing to get to work. And, I think that's the bottom line--when you feel jealous/envious you have to ask yourself if you are willing to do the work to get where someone else is, and if not, you need to get happy with that answer. And if it's just pure luck that separates you from them, find a way to increase your karma.
Oh, and Paty, there is plenty in your life to be envious of! I envy your commitment and discipline!
Hi, Eli!
You are getting an initiation, my friend, for the success that lies ahead of you! You have so much going for you--not the least of which is the hard work and focus you put into your career.
Others can see that and, you're right, for whatever reason feel threatened by it. But that is indeed their issue. We can't make choices for other people.
Don't let anyone take the shine off of your accomplishments! (((HUGS)))
Hey, Lisa! I don't think anyone else has mentioned a mental slap as therapy. Although Jenny Crusie's article did take a similar no-nonsense approach in getting over envy of others. :)
But you're right, it can be a reality check to answer the question: Am I doing all I can to move my career forward?
Genene- This was an interesting post.
Alice- I loved your comments. You're so smart.
I'm very happy for my friends who are pubbed and who are doing great things with their writing. I'm not jealous when it comes to writing because I don't care enough about my writing to be envious or jealous of anyone. I write for me. Period. And I'm ecstatic when my friends do well. ;)
But, I've had a lot of females who have been total bitches to me, for many odd reasons, throughout my life and it's all been about them and their pointless, stupid jealousy.
Jealously is a disease. And it fills you with DIS EASE.
Now envy, oh yeah, I envy skinny people. But I'm not jealous. And I can always get off my ass and get skinny myself. I am glad for people when they're skinny, but I want to be skinny too. :) So, I guess that's envy?
Thanks Genene and Wavy for the kind words. I don't see myself as motivated, just doing what needs to be done to get what I want.
It's like my mom asking my dad to fix the barn that was falling apart. He kept putting it off so one day she went down with a crowbar and started tearing it apart- The barn got fixed. She did the same when he kept putting off remodeling the kitchen. He came home one day and the wall between the kitchen and dining room was gone!
You want something done- get in and do it!
The electricity is back on at my house so I'm back on the computer! :)
Wavy, I really like the way you suggested to analyze your emotions to grow and make decisions about what a person wants to do at a particular time in their life. Because this is just one phase of our lives.
Sorry you didn't final in the Golden Heart, but it sounds like you've already got a wonderful perspective on that. Kudos that you actually entered! Meeting that goal is a big step!
Hi, Piper! Nice to see you!
How about skinny writers? What do you feel about them? LOL!
It's nice that you're at a point that you're writing for you. That's very freeing for your creativity, isn't it?
Great story about your mom and the crowbar, Paty! I've used a crowbar a few times too--but I get to rebuild that wall if I tear it down. :)
I struggle with envy and jealousy in other aspects of my life, but, oddly enough, not so much in writing. Maybe it's because all my friends are creative people -- writing, music, painting, etc. With my circle all having different pursuits, I can no more imagine being jealous of my CP's sale than I could be jealous of my XY's album release or our friend's art gallery opening.
I know how hard we all work at our craft, and I DEFINITELY know how big a roll chance plays in success in the arts.
If anybody out there needs a sincere woot, come to me. I can woot with the best :)
Jessa, great attitude about the creative accomplishments of your friends and spouse!
We all need those suppotive "woots" in our creative endeavors!
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