So, this post isn’t exactly related to the craft, but it does have to do with how reading and writing romance affects our relationships, an issue that I have always wondered about.
Like many of you, romance has been a part of my heart and soul for as long as I can remember. All of the stories I created, whether in my head or on paper, had some romantic element to them. It was the uumph, the glue, the substance of my story. Sure, I could write a mystery or a horror tale, but why not throw together a couple who yearns for each other to make things interesting.
When I first started reading romances, I was a newlywed. I can still remember going to the bookstore, glancing around to make sure no was looking and then sneaking into the romance aisle like a wraith. I blushed like a school girl when I saw the bodice-ripping covers and half-naked men gracing some of the covers.
Eventually, I got over my self-consciousness (obviously). Now, I stand proudly in the romance aisle, giving whomever dares challenge me the big ol’ hairy eyeball. Usually it’s all in my head, but it makes me feel tough anyway.
What I noticed, when I began reading and writing romances, was that I started comparing the heroes in the stories to my own husband. My hubby is my center; he’s my rock. But, his idea of a romantic evening includes watching NASCAR. Sitting in my big armchair, my heart went pitter-pat as the hero professed his undying love to the heroine, all the while reciting a laundry list of all of the cute, wonderful things he loved about her. Then, I would turn to look at my husband, lying sprawled out on the couch, barely conscious, dirty from the garage, scratching himself. .l
There were so many times I almost brained him with the book. Or lamp. Whatever.
It got to the point that when we argued, I would think, “Well, John Q. Hero wouldn’t say that to me!” Which is asinine and ridiculous, I know, but, hey, I was twenty. Cut me some slack.
In my naivety, I considered ceasing the genre altogether. Of course, I couldn’t do that anymore than I could stop breathing. I mean, come on. Really?
In the end, I came to this glaringly obvious realization: romance novels are, largely, written by women. Women who, largely, want their men to understand them in a profound way, to talk to them on a deep level, and last but certainly not least, knock their proverbial socks off in bed.
I’m long since past the newlywed phase and I have come to an understanding and acceptance with my husband. When I write now, I can appreciate the differences and similarities between my heroes and my sweet hubby, bless his unromantic heart.
So, I wonder, how has writing romances affected any of your significant relationships, if at all?
12 comments:
LOL! I had to laugh. My daughters wouldn't read my books because, "They didn't want to know what Dad and I did"! I kept telling them, I write fiction. This isn't about Dad and me this is about two people in the story that I made up. MADE UP key words. The man behaves the way I would like a man to behave, not like your father. LOL
I've never compared my husband to any of the heroes I've read or written. But some friends (especially the older ones) since reading my book say they can't look at my dh the same. Which is totally wrong on their parts. People think because we write love scenes they are the way things have happened to the writer. And they couldn't be more wrong! Well most of the time! :)
Since my books been out and people I know have read it. (It has three steamy love scenes) They look at me different and my dh. Oh well. I guess if they think we are wild sex machines, that's their fantasy!
I'm two years from 30--not the naive 20--and I STILL compare DH to the heros. I did this the 1st time around too--which I think goes to show that age does not always make us wiser.
My heart still gets all mushy over all those-falling in love hormones which in real life only last for the first six months or so. Which is all we generally get to see in a romance--the cusp of that monkey-sex and romantic dinner phase, not the pick-your-dirty-socks up phase.
But, for me the good thing is that I get to vicariously live that phase over and over again with no repercussions. And I am getting SLIGHTLY wiser--there's plenty of close-mouthed, pushy alpha heroes who would drive me crazy to be married to. But, yeah, I still love a good mushy speech or a really romantic moment and want to go "why............" But, at least, I've learned to bite my tongue.
Wouldn't it be cool if there were a guide for guys, "What your chick is reading in those books of hers" with step by step instructions . . . .yeah. I'll get right on that :P
Yeah, Bethany, if women thought men would read a guidebook like that, we'd have written it long ago.
I asked a man once about one of the techno-war novels he was reading (of course it was written by a man). "Is there a central relationship in the book?" I asked.
"No," was the reply.
"No love interest? No romance?"
"No. Why would I want to read about that?"
I figure, if a man doesn't want to even read about such things...
I don't read much romance, Jen. I read suspense, horror, women's fiction mostly -- unless it's written by my friends, or CPs, then I read it all.
And to be totally honest, alpha males annoy me. Even in most books. To me they're big, hairy, pushy, egotistical know-it-alls. Not always of course. I love both males in the Stephanie Plum series, and I've read others who were too hot to handle. But in real life, I've dated a few alpha males. Ewww. Can you say "What a good looking bore?" Or make that a full-of-himself Boar...
So while it's fun to fantasize about a big, hairy alpha male sweeping me off my feet, if I were still single, and one tried it in real life, I'd be likely to give him a good tongue-lashing (and no, not that kind of tongue lashing) or break one of his fingers. Ha!
On the other hand, my DH is often more romantic than I am -- saying mushy things without being prompted, remembering special dates, bringing me flowers occasionally for no reason. He's still very male, without being a big hairy ma. I'll take him and reality over the vine swinging he-man anyday.
And Paty -- what a riot to think of people you know walking around Redmond thinking you and your hubby are sex pistols. Ha!
Hey, I shouldn't laugh. Those are some pretty hot sex scenes you write. Maybe you two are sex pistols....oh, too much information, too much information. Ha!
I somehow dropped an "N" in my last post.
My DH is not a big hairy ma. He isn't a big hairy MAN either.
Sheesh. Talk about a typo....
Fun post by the way, Jen!
LOL all of you. Great blog, Jen. I bet you all have fun at your house, you have such a fresh sense of humor! And Wavy, sounds like you're figuring out how to separate fact and fiction! I'm with you, Danita, Alpha males are boring. Steph's guys are interesting, but you wouldn't want to live with Ranger (he's just for play) and Morelli has such a tender streak I believe he may be a closet Beta.
Paty, you had to learn all that steamy stuff somewhere, right? Couldn't be your imagination. It's not like writers actually--hold, on to your hat--make things up!
Like Danita, I don't read romance, but I do read lots of other stuff and I am always attracted to men kind of like my husband. Competent, kind, totally male but gentle as well as strong. My dh is not the swaggering Alpha male type. He brings me flowers after umpteen years of marriage. He's cried with me and laughed with me and supported me. This morning he read in the paper about a bus driver in Eugene who was driving this new bus that races between green lights (faster than a speeding bullet) while a father yelled at him that the door of the bus had closed too quickly, stranding his two and a five year old kids alone on a busy corner. The driver refused to stop because he'd been told not to stop for anything because of the precious green light and his schedule. My gentle dh said, "I would have made him stop the damn bus." I said, "How could you stop him? He was traveling fast, you would have jeopardized everyone else on the bus," and he said, "I would have punched him in the face, taken the wheel and stopped the damn bus. Period."
That is Alpha enough for me. And I would hope my hero, either written by me or someone else, would do no less (though an Intrigue hero probably would have shot the driver---)
Alice
(btw, the driver finally stopped two blocks away at a designated stop--bus officials say oops, our bad. Dad (who had been struggling with a stroller when the whole thing happened) ran back, kids had been helped by strangers, all ended okay.)
Cute story, Alice.
Thinking of your soft-spoken DH punching a bus driver in the face made me smile.
There was a man who stalked me for over a year, even after my DH and I were together. Numerous calls to the cops, and the cops talking to him did not convince him to leave me alone. Enough was enough and my DH called the creep and gave him a verbal tongue-lashing. (Tongue lashings from me weren't doing the trick and I didn't want to get close enough to break one of his fingers). The creep was 6'5", nearly 300 pounds -- an ex boxer and bareback bronc rider (I'd call that big and hairy and alpha). One of my brothers also tried to call him, but the creep had his phone disconnected immediately after my DH had called. So, I agree with Alice's sentiment -- my DH is plenty alpha enough for me.
Go manly beta men!
Besides making the best husbands, they're also my favorite to read and write about.
Great blog, Jen! Hmm... I've never been a big fan of the alpha male for all the reasons everyone here has already mentioned. I like a take-charge kind of guy, as long as he defers to me. Ahem. 8^)
I don't read a lot of romance, though I gravitate toward the dark and gritty, especially paranormal, when I do. I feel the same way about Morelli and Ranger; they're Alphas I could tolerate. Sometimes I wonder if a Beta isn't just an Alpha with humility.
I still get that mushy feeling of falling-in-love with my husband, just not as often as I did in the first six months, like Wavy said. My heart swells and my spine tingles; a very nice feeling. This doesn't happen when he turns on the space heater in the garage so the cats won't get cold when they play in there, but it does happen when he brings home ugly purple towels from Fred Meyer because he thinks I'd like them. He's not a romantic guy, but he does romantic things sometimes without even knowing it. I think I'll keep him. 8^)
Karen
I think you romance writers (and women's fiction writers too, because come on, most WF has a romantic element to it) who claim not to read romance are rather odd. Please explain to me why you write it but don't read it. In Alice's case (and she and I have had this discussion before), I can understand why she doesn't read RS - the whole 'I write it, therefore don't want to be intimidated by how others are writing it' idea. But that still doesn't explain why you don't read other romance genres. Curious minds want to know. ;)
Fun post, Jen.
Okay, I'm going to go against the grain here. While I agree with Danita that alpha males do not make the best mates for the long haul, I think there's a very logical reason why most romances are centered around the alpha male. Aside from the whole "sweep her off her feet" element, Alpha males - those big tough, dominant men - are the most fun to watch fall. A guy who is already beta to the core, full of emotion and romance, is not going to take a header off a steep cliff and fall head-first into love in the same way an alpha will. Sure, true alphas are jerks, and I imagine they make horrible spouses, but in a romance novel, the real fun is watching that alpha male twist and change and fight it every step of the way until finally he's morphed into something more beta than he ever expected, while at the same time retaining a few of his outward alpha characteristics...a gamma, if you will. That's why *I* love to read books that have hunky alpha males in them. I love to watch how those tough guys crumble and change into the kind of man we women all want in our lives.
My hubby was very alpha when we first met. And yeah, there was that whole "sweep her off her feet" thing going on. I was a freshman in college, he was senior. I had stars in my eyes everytime I looked at him. But, even in the peak of his alpha-ness, he was never big and hairy (ew!). He's tall and thin and (Thank God!) not hairy at all. The longer we've been married, the more he's changed into a gamma - and that, I think - is what's so romantic about an alpha male...that they CAN change.
Alice, your story was just precious. I loved it. And your hubby should get a big smooch for that one. And thank goodness it ended well.
Scary about the stalker, Danita. I can't believe you didn't tell us about that!
And Jen...to answer your real question (I think I got sidetracked there), I don't think I've ever really compared my hubby to the heroes in the romance novels I read. He tends to be a fairly romantic guy when the mood strikes. He supports my writing, has ultimate faith in me, and tells all of his friends and coworkers that he is the inspiration for all the steamy scenes I write. You gotta love him. Considering the fact he's never read more than a few chapters of my work here and there, that's saying a lot. Most of the time I just nod and say, "Yep. You're every one of my heroes babe." However, I'm not sure he'd be thrilled to learn my current hero has a moment in the wip where he's ogling another guy and battling a strange sort of tingling low in his belly... Maybe I just won't tell him. ;)
Eli makes some good points. I hadn't thought about it before. That's what I like about the Ranger and the Morelli characters, their soft spot for Steph that makes me feel happy.
I do read RS or I used to, btw. I still do, but prefer straight mysteries or cozies. If there's a love interest, that's great. I don't know why I don't read romances more, I just don't. Unless I know the author (am currently reading Paty's book.) Maybe it's because I write romance and so want to read something different.
Alice
Eli, I don't care for "romancy" romance, if that makes sense. The gushy stuff, or sentimental stuff. Some readers love that kind of thing, but I'm not one of them. I really like Suzanne Brockman and Karen Templeton for straight romance. Then of course I adore Jennifer Crusie for romantic comedy. But I prefer paranormal mystery and paranormal suspense as a genre, especially series books.
I write romance because my stories are always relationship driven. Most of what I write doesn't have the romance as the main plot but as a subplot, and Desert Guardian is the exception.
Karen
Jen, I love this post; please don't think every post should have to be about craft. That would be too damn boring.
I got back into reading romance after I'd been married for 13 years, and needless to say, it helped my relationship with my dh a ton! LOL
Believe it or not, it helped me to relate to him better. Reading about the heroes in romance showed me that, duh, my husband is a wonderful person all around, just like the guys in the novels. He's not the typical sports guy or computer nerd, or whatever, he's a lot like a romance hero. Scary, I know. But he can do just about anything, and he does it better than most. And yeah, I did start comparing him to romance novel heroes and it was amazing how much more I understood about him after that. (I'm a little slow in the human relationships department. LOL)
When we were trying to build our house, my husband would have me follow him around while he did the finish work; I would read to him out of Julia Quinn's Brotherton Series. It was so much fun and really helped us to grow closer together. Weird, but true.
So I can't really tell you how writing romance has affected my relationship with him, but reading them opened up a whole new level of understanding for how I view and think of my dh now.
And the strange reason I got back into reading romance novels after so many years away was because my dear husband told me that I had to pick one night a week to go out, by myself, and do something fun for just me. ACK! What does a mother of 4 kids (at that time) know about having fun anymore?!! So I went to Target and picked up a book called "An Offer From A Gentleman" by "a modern day Jane Austen" Julia Quinn and I've been hooked ever since.
All of the responses you girls gave to this post were hilarious. Paty the sex pistol was great Danita. Now I'll never look at Paty and her G. man the same. LOL
And I once read this really interesting thing on true Alpha Males. A true Alpha isn't a grunting, hairy jerk. Really. If I can find that article again I'll post it here or on the loop so you can read it. It described my husband to a "T" and he's not a grunting, hairy beast, honest. Well, you who have seen him know this, right? :)
Hope you're all having fun at the meeting tonight while I sit at home catching up on the blogs. I really wanted to teach at the meeting with Paty, so I'm totally bummed right now. Healthier, but bummed. (grin)
Post a Comment