What did you give yourself for Christmas? The gift of time to write? The gift of saying no to tasks that don't help you reach your goals? The gift of doing nothing for an afternoon instead of juggling a dozen different errands?
Most of us have multiple roles and the expectations that go along with those roles: spouse, parent, son or daughter, not to mention grandparent, aunt or uncle, sibling, friend, etc., etc. as well as perhaps another job or two in addition to writing.
I also have a tendency to run late because I over-commit my time and try to do "one more thing" -- usually for someone else -- before I head out the door to a meeting or to work or to an appointment. I end up running behinder and behinder, too frazzled to write or do the things I really want to do. Or to just relax and pamper myself for a few hours.
So I started my New Year's resolutions a week early. Actually, it started when we celebrated Christmas early -- on December 21. That was the best day to gather my sons and all four and a half grandchildren together.
So come Christmas Eve, I had the gift of time. I took out an easel pad and different colored highlighters, then started a chart (there's a name for this process, but I can't remember what it is). With me in the middle, then circles of who/what was important to me, with secondary people/projects/things radiating out from those circles. Hopefully that makes some sense. Then I drew lines to how these things were connected. (It ended up looking like a bunch of amoebas connected by squiggly lines!)
For instance, writing is part of my life's work, but it also can give me the opportunity to travel (to attend conferences or do research), and it also nurtures my mind and spirit. I also draw on my relationships to add emotion to my writing -- and if I'm happy, my relationships work better!
Unintentionally, I came up with a "mission statement" for my life: To do work I love that will provide more money than I ever dreamed possible, that will allow me to play and refill my creative well, and will keep me healthy in body, mind and spirit while nurturing my relationships.
That may sound high-falutin' or pie-in-the-sky, but bear in mind that I'm probably at a very different place in my life than many of you. I'm 50+ years old, I've "retired" from one career and have the freedom to pursue other life's work, my kids are grown and mostly out on their own.
What this "mission" also does is give me a way to measure if a project or request for my time and energy moves me closer to where I really want to be in my life. Does the project/request meet all the criteria of my "mission"? If not, I need to say no thanks. Will I stick with this? Well, I spent a good part of December 25 writing and I did say no thanks to a request that would have side-tracked me for half of the day. If I get off track, I'll just look at my "amoeba chart" and re-focus.
It's still a bit uncomfortable to think of myself before everyone else in my life, but that's also one of the gifts I gave myself. How about you? If you forgot a gift for yourself at Christmas, it's not too late to wrap something up for New Year's!
6 comments:
You go girl!
I spent twenty-one years catering to my husband and children, putting what I wanted on the back burner. Now, with the kids out of the house and my husband playing with cows, I am putting my desires first.
I treat my writing as one of my jobs. It is my morning job, editing for TWRP is my afternoon job. There are days when I have to do my Girl Friday job and that's okay, because that is the one steady paying job I have. And all of these jobs I do for me!
After all those years of putting everyone; kids, spouse, school, 4-H, friends, family first - I now put me first.
This Christmas I gave myself a stress-free holiday. I didn't knock myself out making ten different cookies, quick breads, and candy. I made fudge. That is all I gave people. And you know what? No one complained! I didn't throw any parties. No extra house cleaning or cooking. We went to my daughter's. She provided all the food, I just helped prepare it. (She can bake, but don't ask her to throw together a dinner)
As for my New Year's resolution - it does have to do with writing. I hope to take my career to a new level this year. How I'm not sure, but you'll all be the first to know when I do!
Everyone- no matter if you have kids and family, you need to take a half a day a week, just for you. Whether it is writing, plotting, or just taking a quiet walk. Everyone deserves a time for themselves.
Great blog, Genene!
Good for you, Genene. It's about dang time you started giving back to yourself!
I have a very giving husband and since I have cut back on the amount of volunteer tasks I take on, I am not feeling put out and put upon like I was a couple years ago. Saying no is almost as easy now as saying yes...
Almost.
I did write through Christmas Day. Took a day off yesterday to haul 4 loads of hay, but was back at it today and had a very productive morning writing session. I'm on page 189 on my manuscript, and wrote through a place that had been stumping me, so I'm pretty pleased with myself.
I'm so glad you gave yourself such a wonderful Christmas gift, Genene, you deserve it!
And good luck with that more-money-than-you-ever-dreamed thing too.
First of all, Paty, how funny are you! I picture your husband out in the cold playing with the cows! What a hoot.
Genene--You know, I am at your stage or even further along as my husband is older and so my daily life reflects his situation as much as it does mine. But the holidays are wearing. People come, and thank-goodness, for how sad would it be if nobody came? On the other hand, all writing gets put aside. Well, frankly, doesn't everybody else's job get sidelined for a couple of days? Don't stores close, don't doctors stop doctoring?
I am constantly struggling with this, just as the younger members do with children to nurture. I may not be at that stage of life, but that doesn't mean my responsibilities don't exist. My granddaughter already knows that Grandma is writing a book. She's old enough to know what a book is, but I think the process is still a mystery and I hate to think of her thinking it's something that takes a person away from the important people in their lives. And I hate to think my elderly mother feels I am fitting her in when I take time from my writing. She's part of my life. She shouldn't feel like a burden. That's not what I want for her.
I like the way you decided to organize your responsibilities according to how they fit into your chart--which made perfect sense to me. With no outside job and family members outside of town and local responsibilities that can't be put off, I don't need to do this--but I imagine there are many members who do. And the bottom line--make time for your writing, without guilt, without apology--holds true for all of us, no matter where we are in life.
Giving yourself the gift of looking out for yourself is a gift for those who love you, as well. Think about it. The people who truly love you and do not depend on your for food and shelter will benefit from knowing you are at peace, that you are pursuing your life's calling, that your heart and mind are engaged.
So Happy New Year my friend. For New Years, I am going to wrap up a special gift for myself though I would be willing to share it with anyone else who needs it. Think of it as a juicy cheesecake. Call it "guilt-free." I need a slice when I decide to write instead of visiting my 90 year old mother even though I saw her the day before (but she doesn't remember). You might like a slice for NOT volunteering to be homeroom mother or car pool lady. There's plenty to go around, so belly up to the table, I'll cut you a slice.
And, Genene, thanks for a great blog.
Alice
Good for you, Genene. You deserve it! I just had a conversation with my youngest daughter this morning about how we tend to put everyone in our lives ahead of us. It's so important that others be happy we often forget we need to be happy, too.
We only half-celebrated Christmas this year. I couldn't have my kids with me, or my grandson, so I left all the decorations in the attic this year. That was weird. Kind of threw me off.
But I have made some New Year's resolutions, which I usually don't do. I've vowed to manage my time better, which will free me up for all kinds of things I want to do for myself.
I will write on a schedule from now on. I used to be really good at that, but having a home office has skewed my time-tables a bit. So now I keep the laptop in the living room and write in there. And I'm teaching myself to write in the same room with my husband while he watches TV. Now that's a challenge. But he likes it because I'm with him.
Great blog, Genene.
Karen
Great post Genene!
Karen, I need to learn to do that. I can edit with the TV on, but writing still eludes me. If you find the key, please share. My DH would love it if I could write and sit in the same room with him, too.
Great post, Genene. I'm an advocate for doing things just for you. I think it's important for your mental health. I went through a serious identity crisis when I left my career to stay home with my kids. For nearly six months I wandered around like I had no direction. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and never question my decision to be with them, but I felt lost. Suddenly everyone else was more important than me, and I was doing everything for them. And then I started writing. It was the one thing I did for me that made me feel good, like I was using my brain and education and it kept me sane. Obviously, I haven't stopped, and the writing has now morphed and changed and shifted from hobby to career. It's something I can't imagine my life without. When I write, it's for me, in the same way that hour per day I spend at the gym and drop the kids in daycare is just for me. Without either (the exercise and the writing), I'd be a different person.
I'm glad you're putting you first and concentrating on what you need to do for yourself. And your Christmas sounds absolutely heavenly.
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