Friday, November 23, 2007

Drunken War of the Sexes

I'm filling in for Eli's Friday spot. I have some time now, while squirt is sleeping and DH is at work. Forgive me if I'm stepping on your blog toes, Genene.

I may have forwarded this email on to a couple of you -- if so, sorry for the redundancy. This list cracked me up, but that's not the only reason I'm sharing it. I thought it offered a lot of insight into women with alcohol altered minds (besides bringing back a lot of college memories. Ha!) And who hasn't, or won’t at one time or another, write about an alcohol impaired character?

So, read the list, chuckle if you will, then check out the exercise at the bottom of the page.


WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH.

1) WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.

2) WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.

3) WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S BUTT AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE CAN DO IT TOO.

4) IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE HOMELESS HOOKERS THAN THE GODDESSES WE LOOKED LIKE JUST FOUR SHORT HOURS AGO.

5) WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.

6) WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAYS BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"

7) WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US. AND THOSE HORN-RIMMED GLASSES AND OILY HAIR PARTED ON THE SIDE ACTUALLY SORT OF LOOK GOOD ON HIM.

8) WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING, AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.

9) WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US PLAIN LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE VODKA.

10) WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?)

11) WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.

12) WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S ALL THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.


I think that pretty well sums up drunken women, especially young, drunken women. However, men don't do these same things when they've had too much to drink, do they? (Except for number three). And as certain as we'll someday write about a drunken woman or two, we may also find ourselves someday in need of some drunken male material. So, let's sit down with a nice toddy or hot-buttered rum and compile our own list of

WHEN GUYS DRINK TOO MUCH:

I'll go first:

1) Guys grow increasingly invincible with each alcoholic beverage they down. As the country song goes, men grow "ten feet tall and bullet proof."

2) Their pickup lines become more and more cliché: "How yoo doin'?" "What's a girl like you doing in a place like this?" Or, my fave, "Hey baby, what's your sign?"

28 comments:

Paty Jager said...

3) When men are drunk they think it gives them an excuse to grab a woman anywhere on their body. "Oopsie, I'm sorry, just trying to keep from falling- doown."

Danita Cahill said...

Good one, Paty! Anyone else?

Karen Duvall said...

4) Their beer-bottle glasses make all the women in the bar look HOT!

Alice Sharpe said...

Danita, now this was a fun blog!

I spent no time as a single adult as I married at seventeen. So I don't have all those dating and going to bar with a friend experiences where drunken guys come on to (drunken or not) girls.

My experience with married drunk guys goes along the trail of, "I'm going to sit down here and talk to the prettiest girl in the room." Sure.

But, I am a writer, supposedly with an imagination, so I will draw on that.

When Guys Drink Too Much:

1.) Homely women they'd never approach sober become better looking as the night (and the drink) progresses.

2.) They've got plenty of money, drinks for everyone, they'll worry about paying the rent tomorrow.

3.) Hitting the toilet while peeing turns into a sports activity along the lines of Asteroids.

4.) Every woman starts to look like the one who broke his heart.

5.) They utter the fateful words, "Just leave the bottle, barkeep."

6.) Hell, yes, they can still drive.

7.) At the end of the night, they get down on their knees to embrace the porcelain god as they puke their guts out.

Alice Sharpe said...

Oh, good one, Karen!

Alice Sharpe said...

Paty, I love the word "Oopsie"! Good choice.

Karen Duvall said...

Alice, those are great! 8^)

How about they slur their speech so bad it's like a new dialect of the English language we call "drunk speak."

Alice Sharpe said...

"Drunk Speak." I like it!

Paty Jager said...

"Whatcha mean, I'm drunk? I'm not drunk. I just wanted to see if there really is gum under a table." Leering chuckle. "By the way, my mom wears panties like yours."

Danita Cahill said...

Yup, Karen. The women all get prettier at closing time. Good.

Danita Cahill said...

Alice, excellent list. You sure you haven't been sneaking out to the bars with your girlfriends?

Danita Cahill said...

Ha, Paty. You're on a roll. Love the panty line.

Danita Cahill said...

Karen, now's your big shot at using your panty hamster phrase. Go for it, girl. You know you want to.

Genene said...

Not to worry, Danita. My blog toes are intact!

Love these! And it saves me the effort of going to bars if I need to write a drunk character!

Danita Cahill said...

Genene,
you don't have any to add?

Paty Jager said...

"No, really, I can take him! Just help me out of the trash can!"

Danita Cahill said...

Paty, you are so good at this game. Have you played before? (or just done a lot of secret research?)ha!

Paty Jager said...

My secret research comes from the first five years of my marriage. We hung out a lot with my husband's newly married and bachelor friends. We went to a bar at least once a month. And those boys and some of the ladies liked their hard stuff!

Some day ask me about beating up a man while I was 8 months pregnant!

Alice Sharpe said...

I'll bite, Paty. Tell me about beating up a guy when you were eight months pregnant! Please?

Paty Jager said...

Okay, Alice, just for you. LOL

I was 8 months pregnant with my first child. My husband, two other couples and two of his bachelor friends all went to a bar. One couple who weren't married and always fighting got into an argument, so the woman started flouncing and flaunting to other men in the place. Her boyfriend (the smallest of the guys in our group) went to break it up and of course when a fight ensued all the drunken men (his big buddies) in our group (my husband included) had to go help their friend.

Well, my husband isn't a mean drunk. He's quite the opposite and when he was on the floor and another guy was on top of him, I hurdled my very pregnant (and sober because I was the designated driver due to my condition) body across the room and started kicking the man on top of my husband. When the guy looked up and saw I was pregnant he jumped off my husband and backed away.

The whole thing was broken up shortly after my kicking the man and I drove them all home. But to this day my husband brings up his pregnant wife kicking the snot out of a man in a barroom brawl! LOL

Alice Sharpe said...

Paty, that is priceless and goes a long way toward explaining your feisty heroines.

Thanks for the chuckle!

Danita Cahill said...

Paty, that is a good story, and I don't have any barroom brawl tales to top it.

I do recall once, during those infamous college days, when I was out with a girlfriend and a guy cmae over and plopped down at our table. He didn't ask if he could sit with us, in fact, he didn't even look at us for quite a while. Finally, hearing us talking about his raw nerve, I guess, he looked over at us and said, "You don't mind if I sit here, do you?" I said, "As a matter of fact, we do." "Oh, in that case," he says, "do either of you want to dance?"

Of course we both said, "I don't hardly think so."

He turned his back on us again, looked around at the other women in the bar for another song or two and then staggered off.

Ah, there went my knight in shining armor. Ha ha!

I think the drunker guys get, the more handsome and suave they imagine themselves to be, when actually quite the opposite is true.

Barrie said...

Hi Danita and friends! The one barroom brawl I've witnessed (at a place with peanut shells all over the floor) was totally due to a few drunk guys who all though they could take the other. :)

Elisabeth Naughton said...

ROFL. I love these. Very entertaining.

Thanks for filling in for me, Danita. ;)

Danita Cahill said...

Hey again, Barrie.

So nice to have you popping in!

Danita Cahill said...

Eli, happy to fill in for you. Anytime. I mean it.

Danita Cahill said...

And Paty, the more I think about your answers to this exercise, the more I think about what a great job you did at showing, not telling. Way to go.

Paty Jager said...

Thanks Danita!